Breathtaking advice for Terrestrials

Do you realise that every time you exhale you release a cocktail of deadly greenhouse gases into the atmosphere? The carbon dioxide and water vapour you breathe out today may eventually be responsible for roasting your descendants in years to come. While it might be impractical to stop breathing altogether, there are a number of thing you can do to help the only planet we’ve got.

Practice shallow breathing in front of your mirror every morning for ten minutes.

Always take the elevator.

Reduce sexual activity as much as possible. Even telephone sex can be responsible for terrestrially damaging heavy breathing.

Cut out that visit to the gym and watch TV instead (avoiding, of course, erotically stimulating material).

Fit your young children and pets with Envirohale ® (available directly from Trend Laboratories Inc of California). This simple device responds to excessive respiration and applies a mild electric shock to the genitalia. An early model of the Envirohale ®  is shown below: the new models can, of course, be worn discreetly and without social embarrassment.

Recycle your breath by wearing a plastic bag over your head for a few minutes each hour. Overdoing this, however, may have deleterious side effects.

Boycott brass band and other wind concerts and instead encourage string and percussion playing (as long, of course, as the movements are not too presto).

Teach your children to avoid the many environmentally unfriendly practices that they may have come used to. For example, a birthday cake is perfectly acceptable without candles.

Treat coughs and sneezes, but learn to love your environmentally friendly asthma.

Buy our tee-shirt with the stirring slogan Short pants for the Planet.

In our next eco-friendly article we shall give details of a low fibre diet to eliminate farting.

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